Do you know what sells well during a horrifying global recession some people fear will herald the crumbling of humanity and civilisation as a whole? Shelf ornaments!

The Specialty Merchandise Corporation as you can tell from its packaging is a down-to-earth All-American God, Mom and Apple Pie kind of company. It also wants you to lie to your friends and family. You see, the business model behind SMC is this: they will sell you items at low, low wholesale prices and then you’ll sell them for inflated prices and awkwardly avoid questions about where you got them. Just like those scruffy guys who used to come door to door selling DVDs out of a rucksack!

Like most infomercials, the host (this time a strange Drew Carey doppelgänger) asks obvious questions like “Do you want to be rich?”, “Would you like to be rich and never work again?” and “Did you know money is an acceptable substitute for charm and class when dating?” Easily lured in, we find that SMC has a whole training staff run by surely one time porn star Kerry Cox. You get free coaching for 60 days and according to Kerry himself “some of our customers are making money and still don’t know how to sell”! Now that’s good coaching (It is for SMC because actually teaching you anything before you pony up some ludicrous training fee after 60 days is out of the question).

If you’re not sold yet, listen to Werd Yerac’s final words of wisdom. “If you never change what you do, nothing will ever change.” That was so frickin’ zen, I tried to get that tattooed on my back in Japanese. Instead I got “Hahaha stupid gaijin sucks big fat phallus”.